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I’ve been asked a lot the last couple of days how I’m coping and how I am getting through the anxiety of Monday’s incident with Blake. For those of you that missed it, on Monday I experienced the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life time. Blake and I were driving home from an errand, when I looked back at Blake in the little mirror we have. She looked lifeless, she was just staring at me, but wasn’t moving, I instantly started yelling her name, but she wasn’t doing anything. She wasn’t blinking, she wasn’t moving, just sitting there eyes wide open and still as could be. Then the worst happened, she started turning blue. I pulled over so quickly and that part is honestly kind of a blur. Some how I had put the car in park, and was pulling Blake out of her car seat. Her entire face was blue and she was limp. I flipped her over and right before I started hitting her back she started breathing again. After I collected myself, called Marcus in a hysteric and he rushed to us we were on our way to the ER. They looked at her, ran some tests and took a CT scan. It came back clear and we were able to go home for the night, but she was under close watch and I didn’t sleep. I was up all night checking on her, putting my hand on her chest and asking Marcus to do the same. I was terrified the entire night to check on her, I still am. I had to have Marcus do it most of the time…which is pathetic, but my Mommy heart couldn’t handle seeing that sweet face of hers like that again and I can’t help but worry and stress that next time it will be different.. The next day (yesterday) we followed up with the Doctor. It was concluded that she had an “ALTE” (apparent life threatening event) and it was caused by her acid reflux. She has had pretty bad acid reflux from day one, but Monday at the angle she was sitting it blocked her airway and caused the entire event, the scariest moment of my life 🙁 So last night we bought a new convertible car seat so that she can sit more upright, but still rear facing. Her pediatrician thinks that should help solve the problem. I guess only time will tell and I pray that it does.
She’s doing much better though, she’s her happy normal self and just as cute as can be with her tiny baby talk and big smiles. Me on the other hand, I’m not going to lie, I’m a mess. I’ve had anxiety since I was a kid, but now it’s through the roof. I worry constantly. I find myself checking that mirror in the car every 30 seconds, sleep is rough and I feel like I have to be next to her every second of the day. I know it will get better, it will take time, but for now she’s sleeping in our room in the Pack N’ Play and I literally have alarms set during the night to check on her. She wears her Owlet and Marcus is so loving and patient with me (the crazy wife/Mom right now).
Motherhood is terrifying in general. I mean let’s be real, I did a lot of these things before. Not to the extent it is now, but I worried constantly and always checked on her, but now, now it’s at an all time high. I guess it’s just one of the hard parts of Motherhood, the anxiety and stress that comes with it. Though, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I know the days will be long and hard forever and especially these next couple of months as I cope with this experience, but hearing her little babbling and watching her snuggle up to me brings me so much peace, so much happiness. This journey of Motherhood is a wild ride and thank gosh for all the support of you and my family or I would be a hot mess. I’m already a hot mess 😉 imagine me without y’all?! Ha!
Things will never be the same, but there’s a few things I’ve been doing to help keep my anxiety down. One, prayer, prayer is saving me right now and helping me stay calm. There’s just something peaceful about it, it brings me peace. While I’m praying I KNOW she’s going to be okay. Pray gets me through each day, it got me through Monday especially and God is the reason I was able to pull over safely and catch her like I did. I can’t thank him enough. Two, tears, I know that sounds silly, but I’ve been crying a lot. I just can’t get that image out of my head. I thought I lost her, I thought she was gone, I was in so much panic, so much pain and that stupid, stupid image won’t leave my head. I’m crying as I write this, but the tears they serve as a release and usually I feel a little bit better afterwards. And they remind me how lucky I am to have my sweet girl here with me still. Tears are common amongst Motherhood in general, they come with the job. It’s not an easy job, but those tears they help a little bit even if it doesn’t feel like it for the time being. Finally, three, my family–oh my gosh they’ve been amazing. Marcus has been a trooper, he hasn’t complained, he hasn’t rolled his eyes and he hasn’t doubted anything I say or ask for one minute. He makes sure I feel comfortable and he reassures me when I need it. And all of you. I can’t thank you enough for all of your support, your love and your prayers during this time. I’m so thankful she is okay, I am so thankful that the doctor thinks it’s just a simple car seat fix and I pray that it never happens again and that it truly was just a one time thing. Who knew acid reflux could do something so scary?
For now, I’ll being feeling all the feels. She’s doing great and I am SO thankful, but I don’t think my body or mind quite realizes that yet and it’s going to take time to calm down. So for now, as my fingers shake and I type this, I’ll let my anxiety work itself out, I’ll let the tears roll and I’ll snuggle my little family like crazy.
Hold your babies close, I sure as heck know I will be.
Thank you again ️
Jess
Kristin says
Jess,
I’m so sorry you had to experience this. My son had an ALTE at 2 months old. I know exactly how scary it is. He’s a year old now and while I have never forgotten, and if we are being honest, have never fully allowed myself to process what happened. But it does get better. You have a cause and a good solution in place to prevent it in the future. And she is going to be just fine. You are going to be just fine! Sending you love.
Jess Oakes says
Thank you so much 🙂
Saraf says
This happened to us when my 8 yr old was 1.5 ish. I am an OB nurse and was later talking to one of the attending and asked her about it, and her response what literally..what did u feel her leading up to it, or in general lately and she said just the dairy (yogurt) at the time. She knew of it and had seen it some many times she was like cut the yogurt, I felt kinda dumb bc I had feed him stuff earlier than I should’ve but the boy was hungry. Oh ya since then no episodes. When he was little little he has such bad reflux he would cough every morning I thought it was allergies, anyway we had him on a sleep wedge for awhile which helped to, but it’s never came back.
Take care best of luck