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The other day, after a particularly hard day, long hours and little to no sleep I felt like giving up. I put Blake down for bed and sat there in self pity with thoughts like, “things are never going to work out” and “my hard work is never going to pay off”. You know the thoughts I’m talking about, the ones that make a bad day worse. We ALL have them! I wondered if Marcus and I would ever reach our goals, if my work would get where I wanted it to be, if things would ever get easier and I cried like a baby.
Faith.
Faith is the one thing I’ve struggled with my entire life. You know, the hope and strength that things are going to work out, that things are going to be okay? Having faith is something I think we all deal with on a daily basis; religious or not. In fact you don’t have to be religious to believe in and use faith daily. And the reality is, having faith is just plain HARD.
It’s really hard.
Especially on the days, months and sometimes years where you feel like you’re past your breaking point. Where you just want to give up and happiness is no longer a choice, but more forced to make it through the long empty days. When Marcus and I were trying to get pregnant with Blake, faith was nearly impossible. I prayed, I cried, I did everything I knew how to, to be a good person, to live a righteous life, but nothing. It wasn’t happening and it was expensive. I wanted to scream. We didn’t have the money to continue doing fertility treatments, it had been TWO long years, my body was pushed so far past its limit and all I got was a negative pregnancy test sitting in my face. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Eventually I got pregnant and I have the most beautiful baby in the world, our miracle baby and I thought I was in the clear.
Nope. Challenges were back. A few months after having Blake I was having complications, after complications which lead to a procedure. This procedure removed a portion of my cervix and I was told it would now be even harder to have babies, if not impossible and if I did get pregnant, most don’t last past 15 weeks.
I was done. I was broken. I’m still broken, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
So why so many trials?! Why do these bad things keep happening?! Why is life so unfair? And why isn’t faith just WORKING?!
Well, as I was sitting on the floor sulking the other night I had a thought. Faith is hard, but what would we have if we didn’t have faith? How would I pick myself up and get through the really hard days if I didn’t have faith that things would get better?
Faith is what keeps me (us) going. It’s the reason we keep moving on, we pick ourselves back up after we question and question and wonder why we don’t make enough money. Why we can’t get pregnant. Why we lost a loved one, you name it. All of those trials would NOT be possible to get though without a hope that things would get better in the future. So while faith is extremely hard to have, it’s completely necessary.
And in most cases, faith does work out and miracles happen, like Blake. So let’s hold onto faith, because it’s the one thing that’s allowing us to push through.
Emily says
Oh Jess, I am so sorry. That must have been so hard, especially with all those hormones running around after just having Blake! Such a good post though – I, too, have been learning more and more about having faith. I pray that you and your family find even more faith, healing, and peace. <3
Jess Oakes says
Thank you so much!