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Dear husband,
Yesterday I was pretty angry before we went to bed. Angry at you, angry at the world, frustrated, tired and most of all sad. I know they say don’t go to bed mad, but at the time I didn’t even care. I wanted to be mad at you and I wanted to wallow in self pity. I was mad that you didn’t understand why I was mad, I was upset that you couldn’t just read my mind and I had to clearly explain to you my feelings and I was frustrated that I felt so alone in the entire thing. This happens a lot.
In fact, it’s happened almost every, single day this week.
Why can’t you just understand how I’m feeling? Why can’t you just see that I am trying to work all day, take care of our baby, clean the house, pay the bills and everything else in between? I go grocery shopping, I try to at least figure something out for dinner, if not cook it, I cry a lot during the day and I try to figure out how to balance it all while you sit back. Yesterday was hard, like most days are actually. Our cute child, who don’t get me wrong–is the cutest baby ever– was difficult. She didn’t sleep all night, then she wanted to party all day, she broke things, she cried and she ripped the dogs fur out. I couldn’t keep up. After she dumped the dog food and poured her entire sippy cup of water on the ground, I lost it.
I cried, I cried so many tears and I just sat there thinking why? This isn’t fair.
My patience was short yesterday, if not at all existent. I couldn’t handle the constant screaming every 2 minutes, our house was a disaster and we had so many projects that HAD to be done by the next day I thought I was going to lose my mind. Then you got home from work, with a cool face on. You kissed us hello, picked up our beautiful baby, hugged her and set her down by our toys. You were so “cool”, not a care in the world, not a worry in the world, just a happy face.
I was pissed. Actually, that’s an understatement. I was livid. I was a whole mess of emotions; sad, angry, overwhelmed, frustrated, you name it.
Why in the world were you so cool? Don’t you know what I just went through all day? DO you care that I am over here working my butt off, watching my goals and dreams struggle, trying to care for a baby and balance our home life, being a wife and everything else in between? Don’t you see that?! But I didn’t say anything. I just let it boil inside, fester, you know…REALLY build up for the ultimate explosion later.
The night went on, we worked on our projects, we fed the baby and found dinner for ourselves, we spent family time together and then she went down for bed.
Bed time for us rolled around, I laid in bed looking at everything I had to do, looking at all the work I had personally been working on, getting frustrated it wasn’t better. I didn’t speak, I just laid there while you did your thing and I did mine. Only, I was getting pretty frustrated, I was really sad, it all started coming back.
You were laying there hopelessly next to me, you had no idea what was going on in my head. Then we started to talk, but I didn’t want to talk. I shrugged things off, you asked what was wrong and I said “nothing”. I took a shower, climbed in bed and avoided all contact.
Then you said it, “Quit saying nothing, what is wrong? Tell me what is wrong!”
Word vomit, just like Mean Girls. Word vomit happened and I said every, little, thing on my mind in that moment.
You don’t help with our child.
You don’t clean the house.
You don’t tell me thank you.
You don’t care about me.
My work is failing.
I hate my body.
You only worry about yourself.
The list went on and on… and I went to bed.
Then I woke up this morning, you got our sweet baby girl out of her crib, made her milk and brought her to our bed. Just like you do almost every other morning.Β You hopped in the shower, got ready for work and helped take the trash out, again, like you do almost every other morning. I made breakfast for myself and baby and we sat down to eat. You rushed to get things together for work and then cameΒ over said you loved us andΒ kissed us goodbye, like you do every morning.
You do these things EVERY SINGLE MORNING. You do things like this everyday. You go to work just like I do, to help provide for us everyday. You do the yard work, you take out the trash, you make sure we are safe. Everyday. When I tell you I need help, you give me help. When I cry to you, you try to fix it. When I explain that I need things done around the house in a certain time, you do it. You’re so “chill” all the time because someone in this house needs to be and it sure as heck isn’t me. You’re the glue that holds us together, you’re the happy that makes us laugh when I am so stressed and overwhelmed. You’re the peace and comfort that makes this family complete.
Why was I so angry? I’ll tell you, because it’s 95% in my head. If I am throwing myself a pity party, everyone else around me is coming down too. It’s not just me that is struggling, you’re doing things wrong too. I expect you to read my mind when in all reality that is physically not even possible. Rather than asking you to clean up the kitchen, I just clean it up and get mad that you didn’t do it. If our baby is crying, I run to her rescue and then scold you for not getting up and grabbing her quick enough. I don’t ask, I just do and then I resent you for it.
SO I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not communicating better, I’m sorry for taking you for granted and I’m sorry for constantly being angry. It’s all about outlook. It’s all about how I’m going to tackle the day, whether or not I’m going to ask for help. It has nothing to do with you sitting there watching sports or being “chill” all the time. There are days that I just sit there on the couch too for an hour and watch the babe play. You don’t get angry at me for doing that, so I shouldn’t get angry at you for doing that. It’s about explaining my feelings, explaining how I feel and expressing to you my worries, my stresses and my exhaustion rather than bottling it up and holding it in only to get angry and lash out at you.
It’s about loving you. It’s about forgiving your imperfections, just like you forgive mine. It’s about focusing on the positives and asking for help. It’s about apologizing, saying I’m sorry for being wrong.
So here it is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for assuming the worst and taking you for granted.
Love,
Your Wife
Rachel says
THIS.
You summed up everything I’ve been feeling and thinking but couldn’t put into words.
XOXO
Jess Oakes says
<3<3
Whitney huber says
BEAUTIFUL!!! I feel the SAME way lately …. ( somethings in the water ?…) but seriously your a great mommy and wife ! Don’t down on your self π we all get this way, and we eventually find that apology and it’s all gonna be ok π even though sometimes it seems it’s not and you wanna rip your hair out in the end it works out and God puts the pieces back together :)) -hugs-
Erin J. says
Good gosh!! I needed to read this. Navigating it all is so hard, but it’s so worth it. Thank you for sharing this today!!!
Brandon says
What an emotional post and an emotional read! Though I am a young, unmarried, college-going adult who has yet to be Father to a family and a husband to a wife (It’s high on my to-do list, right before ‘clean the kitchen’) I connected a lot with this. I have been thinking a lot this year about what it will take to be a good partner to a wife and good father to my future children. So part of what you wrote scared me, a bit. But it furthered what I have been coming to realize, that nothing will ever be perfect in this life and being married doesn’t make life completely sweet with no sour after taste. Part of me has always wanted to believe that if I try my hardest to be the best husband ever, whenever that actually happens, that my wife will always be happy and my kids will be perfect little angels. Buuut I know, I know, that isn’t how it works. I realize that even after all I can do things are going to be out of my control. So I guess it’ll be up to me to put into practice then what I try my best to do now. As in, love others even if they don’t like me back at the moment (seems to be a common thing in family life), try to understand when others are hurting but also accept that sometimes I won’t fully be able to understand, don’t wait to be asked to get things done around the house or in general, etc…
I don’t really know why I’m commenting this. Really I just wanted to say thank you for your words and for showing me a little more of what married life actually has in store for us single folk. Of course, each young family is different, but I think I can better prepare myself at least expectation-wise and not hope for a simple marriage ceremony to fix everything. Or anything. It’s gonna take work I can see! ..and patience, and humilty, and all the rest of those attributes we all claim to struggle with. But from what I’ve seen from my parents and my siblings, it’s pretty worth it.
So thanks again! I may just stop by again sometime and read more of your blog π
Jess Oakes says
Thank you! π
Christine Z says
Wow, Brandon, you may be young, but with your insight and level of self-awareness, you are going to make someone a fabulous partner some day; not perfect, but fabulous! Marriage and parenting is SO much harder than I anticipated, but I know it is worth the struggles and constant exhaustion. Best to you.
Megan Swanek says
Don’t tolerate this from a woman, Brandon!
THIS article perfectly sums up what is wrong with women today. We need to take a lesson from previous generations and suck it up! Our mothers and their mothers were stronger than this. My Mom, who I lost in 2014 when I was 6 weeks pregnant, came from a long line of Irish women who were fiercely strong, yet had gentle spirits. When my Mom was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, she never complained, cried or felt sorry for herself. Not after brain surgery, not after countless rounds of chemo, not when she lost the sight in her eye or was too weak to stand. When I find myself starting to go along the lines of thinking described here, I remember her. And all the women who went before, like her mother who was a single Mom and emmigrated to England from Ireland with her Mom, and rented 1 bedroom (not a 1 bedroom, but all 3 women really lived in a bedroom). Women, we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and capable of so much more. I’m no expert, but I do have a master’s degree in counseling and would suggest that the author seek counseling. She herself states that it is “95% in her head.” Now, before you’re up in arms with me blamming the victim (victim of what, I’m not sure), the advice to seek counseling is not a put down, nor is it something I wouldn’t myself do. In fact, I have. This sounds more like a case of displacement of anger, and her husband is an innocent target. When you can’t put your finger on why you’re “livid” at someone (in this case, so mad she even “avoided all contact” in bed) and “constantly angry” for no reason in particular, it usually is due to some unrellated issue. Provided that it’s not chemical/hormonal, which it could be, then it’s time for a run. It’s time to draw on the strength of previous generations of women and shift your thinking. It’s time to suck it up and quit feeling sorry for yourself. No husband (or wife for that matter) should be subjected to this type of behavior, nor should a child see their parent that loose it and sit there crying just because they dumped a sippy cup of water on the ground. That’s normal behavior for a child. It is not normal behavior for an adult. http://megandewitt.blogspot.com/
Whitney Jensen says
The same thing happened to me this week ????
The dangerous thoughts of: I do everything! I clean the house, I take care of a screaming baby, I’m up 4 times with her EVERY night, I mow the lawn, weed the garden, do the laundry, take care of dinner, and I’m about to go back to work in September.
My sweet husband is so kind. I don’t deserve it. He works 14 hours 6 days a week and it kills me that he comes home and just plays on his phone to unwind. He always helps whenever I ask, and he never has to be asked twice. He gives me support, and comforts me when I just want to scream.
Husbands truly are angels on earth. ?
Jess Oakes says
Exactly! You couldn’t have said it better!
You’re awesome lady!
xx
Brandon says
Great post! Marriage and family life are tough, but it’s worth it!
Jess Oakes says
Exactly!!!
Brittany says
I really needed to read this! I have been feeling this way so much lately. To often than necessary maybe. Like you said a pity party! Thanks so much for this post. Balancing is hard!!
Jess Oakes says
Absolutely! It’s so hard, keep keepin’ on Mama!
Caitlyn says
This was perfect. I needed to read this today. I’m not a Mommy yet but we’ve been trying for so long. We’ve just introduced what I call my “crazy pills” aka hormones and phew!! My husband gets the brunt of my rage. We leave for vacation tomorrow morning and I want to make it a point to spoil him and show him how thankful I am of him. Thanks for always being real and vulnerable. Your snaps make me laugh each and every day. Praying for you!
Jess Oakes says
Thanks so much!! You’re the sweetest.
xx
Amber says
” I don’t ask, I just do and then resent you for it.” Girl! This sums it up, thank you for sharing emotional difficulty in marriage & motherhood. What a wonderful thing to know that at different points we all struggle the same β₯οΈ
Christine Z says
Agreed! Even though I know “just doing it” while stewing about something isn’t productive in the least, I still do it. I’m realizing how often I fail to consider my husband’s own stress. He’s not a talker so I think I have wrongly assumed many times that all is fine in his world of work and internal stressors just because he isn’t venting about it like I do; I’m sure that’s not true. Thanks for putting more eloquently than I could, Jess, the challenges of two of the greatest roles women take on, being wives and mothers. We have to remember to take care of ourselves, too. π
Kristal Melbye says
I LOVE this! Wonderful piece. Thank you so much for writing it!
Megan Swanek says
You can delete this if you like……but, I must preface it with: I’ve been a follower of your since you were pregnant. When I learned you were published in Huffington Post I was so excited to head over and read it because you’re a good writer. But the fact that they chose to publish THIS shows me that not only do women like to complain, but even more, women like to read about women complaining. Honestly I would talk to your MD and or/ go to counseling. I have gone myself, so I am not trying to judge,,,,,,
Megan Swanek Β· Guidance Counselor at Costa Mesa High School
THIS article perfectly sums up what is wrong with women today. We need to take a lesson from previous generations and suck it up! Our mothers and their mothers were stronger than this. My Mom, who I lost in 2014 when I was 6 weeks pregnant, came from a long line of Irish women who were fiercely strong, yet had gentle spirits. When my Mom was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, she never complained, cried or felt sorry for herself. Not after brain surgery, not after countless rounds of chemo, not when she lost the sight in her eye or was too weak to stand. When I find myself starting to go along the lines of thinking described here, I remember her. And all the women who went before, like her mother who was a single Mom and emmigrated to England from Ireland with her Mom, and rented 1 bedroom (not a 1 bedroom, but all 3 women really lived in a bedroom). Women, we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and capable of so much more. I’m no expert, but I do have a master’s degree in counseling and would suggest that the author seek counseling. She herself states that it is “95% in her head.” Now, before you’re up in arms with me blamming the victim (victim of what, I’m not sure), the advice to seek counseling is not a put down, nor is it something I wouldn’t myself do. In fact, I have. This sounds more like a case of displacement of anger, and her husband is an innocent target. When you can’t put your finger on why you’re “livid” at someone (in this case, so mad she even “avoided all contact” in bed) and “constantly angry” for no reason in particular, it usually is due to some unrellated issue. Provided that it’s not chemical/hormonal, which it could be, then it’s time for a run. It’s time to draw on the strength of previous generations of women and shift your thinking. It’s time to suck it up and quit feeling sorry for yourself. No husband (or wife for that matter) should be subjected to this type of behavior, nor should a child see their parent that loose it and sit there crying just because they dumped a sippy cup of water on the ground. That’s normal behavior for a child. It is not normal behavior for an adult.