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I’m not even going to sugarcoat it with a clever title or positive words, today has sucked. It’s been a hard day. I try really hard to keep on a happy face and a positive attitude, but being told things aren’t working for the 758357349 time is not the best feeling in the world. Especially for the second time. For some reason this “journey” feels so much harder than the first time. I mean, don’t get me wrong–it sucked when we were trying to get pregnant with Blake too, but I feel almost rushed this time. I think I feel rushed because I don’t want there to be a huge age gap between Blake and a sibling. Obviously I have zero control over this, but it’s making the “it’s not working” and the big fat negatives on these tests even harder.
Today I left the doctor’s office feeling totally crushed, defeated and well pretty darn frustrated. We’ve spent all this money in literally the two weeks we’ve been with a specialist and my stupid body still can’t pull it together. I went in for an ultrasound, paid for it out of pocket (because well, newsflash insurance doesn’t cover it), just to be told that the treatment I was on, that I’ve put my body through hell for isn’t working. So today I get to take triple the amount of that same treatment, in one day, in hopes that it will somehow work as a “hail Mary” treatment. I know, I’m being totally cynical and negative and sarcastic, but that’s just my attitude today. I can’t help it. I mean, how frustrating is it to one fork out all this money for the months and months before the specialist, but now to pay even more just for my body to continue to now work?
I’m frustrated, I’m feeling pretty discouraged and my faith is honestly not here at all today. It’s so wrong of me, but I’m angry with God. I’m so angry. Why do I have to face this same challenge twice? Why do I have to put my body through all of this twice, put everything else on hold to come up with the funds for it, why? Once was plenty, oh my gosh, once was more than enough. So, we will take these pills, Marcus will pick them up after work and pay the full amount of them because, again, insurance doesn’t cover them and then I will schedule another ultrasound next week, pay for that and maybe gain a little bit more hope that somehow it’s going to work this time in the next week. At least I have a week to turn this negative attitude around, to try and get my crap semi together.
And then there’s this, I just got a phone call and it’s my saving grace, that little bit of hope that I needed through all of these tears and all of this heartache. The pharmacy, to let me know that they did some digging, that they took time out of their busy day to help ME, me of all people. They made some calls, researched online and found a coupon for the medication making it $11.00. ELEVEN DOLLARS, it was literally 20X that. WHAT?! It’s like he knows, God knows when I need him most, when I need that small little pick me up. Something as simple as a friggin’ coupon to help with the medication costs. Something to remind me that he’s here, he’s not letting me fight this battle alone, even though in some moments in might feel like it, he’s here.
I don’t know why this is our challenge, our trial in life, why we have to constantly face this over and over again, but I can say that I know God is there. Even when I don’t think he is and I feel totally defeated tiny miracles come in. I’ll tell you what though, those two in the picture above–they’re the ones pushing me through this. This isn’t going to be easy, nothing about this is easy, but hopefully one day it will be worth it.
We will do a video tonight and get it up tomorrow on my YouTube, where we’ve been really keeping track of the journey and behind the scenes, but for now here’s some thoughts and all the emotions from today.