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As you’ve seen recently on insta-stories, the gym has been my morning routine for a little while, but guess what? I don’t go to get a bangin’ bod. Now, don’t get me wrong — that’s an added bonus, though, I am still (im)patiently waiting for that part, but it’s not the main reason I go.
I go for me. I go for my health and I go for my sanity.
The last few years have seemed to be filled with trial after trial and well, the last several months things have seemed to just keep piling on. You add in the winter months and well, honestly I was really depressed. I could barely pull myself out of bed, let alone be a Mom. I was mean to everyone around me, I cried all day all the time and when I wasn’t crying I was numb. I didn’t feel anything. My mind went to places that well, it shouldn’t go and I honestly felt like things were never going to turn around. I had lost hope, I had lost faith and I had lost my happiness. I felt spurts of laughter, spurts of joy for minutes at a time, but for the most part I couldn’t breathe. I was drowning in my own hurt, my own unhappiness and the trials that life has given us.
I woke up one morning, pulled my sweet baby girl into bed with me and we laid there for an hour, doing nothing. We just watched TV. I cried, turning my head so she couldn’t see me and I prayed hard. I couldn’t take one more second of this. I needed help, I needed a change. Well, it wasn’t time for my trials to come to an end, it still isn’t but God gave me my saving grace. In that moment I realized that my sweet innocent little girl, didn’t deserve a Mom who was constantly sad, my husband didn’t deserve a wife who was mean all the time, though they both loved me hard and held on tight to me, and ultimately I didn’t deserve feeling like this.
I was bigger than this. I AM bigger than this.
That morning, I brushed those tears off my cheek, turned back to my sweet girl, snuggled her and continued to ignore the world around me. I didn’t worry about the toys everywhere, the work piling up before me or the trials that we were facing in that moment. I was just a Mom.
I went to bed that night, with a plan in my head. I was going to get up early, I was going to go to the gym and I was going to do something for me, something to take my anger out on, something to give me power and something that was going to put me in control. I woke up early the next day, put my gym clothes on and headed out the door.
That was the day things changed.
That was a Monday, come Friday and I felt like a new person. I woke up Friday, with motivation, with positivity and wanting to live. I put my focus on being a Mother first and working, second. I took time for me in the morning, woke up early and got my day started right, then I played with Blake, literally got on the floor and played with her. I didn’t worry about what I had to do, where we had to be, but I was just a Mom. I made us breakfast, I cooked us lunch and we made even more of a mess.
Ultimately, I put everything that I couldn’t control in God’s hands and I focused on what I could control. I could control going to the gym, making that time for me, for my happiness and for my positive mental state. I could control being a Mom and working second, doing something that truly makes me happy and putting all my energy into Mothering my little girl, my miracle baby. I could control setting work hours and stopping when the clock hit that time. Anything I couldn’t control, anything that caused stress that I literally had zero control over, it got handed over to God and I had to (and still have to) have the faith that he is going to take care of me, that’s he’s going to take care of my family.
Things are still hard. We’re still amongst some of our biggest and scariest life challenges, we have been for years. BUT what’s the point in focusing on them? I can’t control any of them. I literally have absolutely NO control over what happens, haven’t for years. Yet, somehow things have always worked out, while not perfectly or as planned, they have still worked out. I had to pull myself out of that slump, I had to ask for help from my doctor and I had to do something for ME.
I go to the gym for me. I go to the gym for my happiness, for my mental state, for my health and for my sanity.