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I was flying home the other day from our shower in New York, honestly feeling great. We just did something big, something hard and we proved ourselves wrong — that well, we can do hard things, we can dream big. I was on a little bit of a high, feelin’ good, busting work out and attempting to get everything in order for the new week because I was only home 24 hours before I left again for a conference. The conference I am currently at. I wanted to have everything done, in line and set so that Monday I could just spend the day with my baby girl. We had one quick shoot, but other than that it was just going to be her and I. So I was working hard, listening to Lala Land in the background. Then it kind of hit me, I was on this high but in the back of my mind I was feeling a little bit down. Then the down kept creeping in and before I knew it I had happy Lala Land music in the background, but sad, down thoughts in my mind.
Does Blake even remember me while I am gone? She doesn’t even seem to mind me being gone. When I talk to her on FaceTime she just wants to play or talk to anyone else except me. Every time that happened, literally every time I talked to her my heart hurt. I should be home with her. I should be snuggling her and taking care of her and just being a Mom. I mean, she’s just going to know me as the workaholic Mom who was always gone. She’s used to me being gone. I didn’t really want her to be used to me being gone. I didn’t want anyone else to “raise” her while I was away. I wanted her to love those around her, her Grandparents for taking care of her, but I didn’t want her to get so used to being with them that she chose them over me often. I was literally stuck in this like mind game, battling with myself about how terrible of a Mom I was. About how I constantly chose work, work, work.
In my mind I had convinced myself that my sweet little daughter hated me, that she resented me. That working made me a terrible Mom.
Then at the perfect moment I read something.
“Successful Mothers are not the ones that have never struggled. They are the ones that never give up, despite the struggles” – Sharon Jaynes
It hit me. I am not perfect, things aren’t perfect, I may have missed Blake’s first steps, but they were the first steps, when I saw them for the first time. She might be busy playing when I want to FaceTime her, but she’s happy, at least she’s happy. I think that quote works for every, single, Mom, working or not. We’ve add had struggles, we all HAVE struggles. I am showing her strength though, I am showing her determination and that I am not going to let two hundred little or one big struggle, get me down. I’m just not going to let it! I want her to know strength and I am showing her that strength.
I am working hard for her, all the fails and every little success, she’s right there for. She’s right there to watch me learn, to see me celebrate. She’s there the whole way. Sometimes it’s hard, leaving for a few days is never easy. Sending her off to a Grandparent’s house or with a sitter, it’s the same thing, it hurts, but I am doing what I do for her. And I know, I know, that’s cliche BUT think about this, all those successes, all those failures (which for me, there’s a heck of a lot more of) she’s going to look back one day and she’s going to say look what my Mom did. Someone told me once, she’s not going to remember all the times you were gone, but she’s going to remember the times you were with her. She’s going to remember the moment I snuggled her, picked her up and swung her around while giving her all the kisses at the airport. She’s going to remember the little tiny surprises I brought back from each trip, she’s going to remember the time in between work that I got on the floor with her and played with her, the time we went to the park and she went down the slide five dozen times, those are the things she’s going to remember. One day when she’s a little bit older she’s going to listen to me tell her about the places I go for work, the things I do and she’s going to be proud, she’s going to be interested in hearing more. I might not realize it now, I might not even think about it now or realize what I’m doing but she’s going to. In her little eyes I am doing big things and that’s all I can do, that’s what I can focus on and remember.
Being a working Mom isn’t easy, being a stay at home Mom isn’t easy, being both isn’t easy, nothing about Motherhood is easy and honestly, I don’t think anything about it is supposed to be. That’s what makes it so special, that’s what makes every single snuggle, kiss and little cheesy look so special. That’s why those little things melt our hearts because of the struggles, because of the in between moments that are sometimes harder than others. That’s why we feel the immense amount of love that we do for these sweet babies.