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I hung up the phone and was in tears. I know I’m broken, why does everyone have to act surprised, in shock when they talk to me? I’m fully aware that my body doesn’t work. Don’t you think I want to get pregnant? Don’t you think I want another baby just as badly as the next person? This is the second time I have gone through this. It doesn’t hurt any less and at this point it’s not new news to me.
I had just gotten off the phone with the nurse, talking about when the Doctor’s next IVF cycle was so that we could possibly see if we could afford it this time. She asked me when my next cycle was…I answered her, well I don’t have them, so honestly I’m not sure. I have always had to take medication to start and even sometimes that doesn’t work. Then she said, “So you haven’t had one? You don’t know when your next one is?” in what sounded like a snarky tone (though it very well could have been that I’m sensitive to begin with). No, I don’t. I really don’t know, I couldn’t tell you any of that. I got off the phone and honestly felt defeated. It wasn’t her fault, every person’s case is so different. This was my own battle. The very same battle I have been fighting for years.
I’m broken. No one can fix me, my body literally can’t do the one thing that as women we were essentially “designed” to do. I felt disgusted with myself. I looked in the mirror and picked apart, every, single, piece of it. Not only was I broken, not only was I not able to grow my family, to give my sweet girl a sister or to you know, do the one thing I’m “supposed” to be able to do, but at this point I was disgusted with every aspect of my body. I’m hot all the time because my hormones are out of whack, I looked in the mirror and thought, gosh you need to lose weight, look at the hair on your chin — that’s disgusting and welp, just another side affect because your body doesn’t work properly. Tears were streaming down my face and honestly, I couldn’t even bear looking at myself for one more second.
I walked away from the mirror, changed my clothes into baggy ones and tossed away the once again, negative pregnancy test, I had just taken. Then I sat there on the bed, sobbing, trying to pull myself back together before my sweet angel baby woke up from her nap and trying to remind myself that it’s going to be fine, I have one angel baby, that’s all I need, if anything she will just be spoiled and loved even more.
Then it hit me, the words my husband spoke the night before.
“You’re not broken, you were designed exactly how you’re supposed to be.”
Were those words true? I mean, is that really a thing or was he just trying to make me feel better? Or does maybe God know what’s best for me? I mean, if it’s supposed to be like this, if I was designed like this, why can’t I just accept it? Why can’t I just be happy? I mean, I HATE when people tell me “in God’s timing it will happen..” — well God’s timing isn’t fast enough. Doesn’t he know that I want this to happen right now, right this second? Doesn’t he hear me cry every night and beg for answers?
Then it hit me. Blake, Blake came at exactly the right time, the exact moment that she was supposed to come. I prayed, I begged for years for her, I felt like that first month that we started trying was the right time, that’s when I was supposed to be a Mom, but it didn’t happen. Then more months went by, more years and still nothing until one day, one day I finally got that positive and it was perfect. The moment she was born, I knew I could not have handled Motherhood before that. I thought I could, but God knows me better. I probably could have handled it, but I couldn’t have been the Mother that I so badly wanted to be until that moment. Things weren’t in line yet until that very second.
Does that mean it wasn’t hard? Nope, it was probably one of the most painful things I have ever felt. Does that mean that right now it’s not hard again, even knowing that it was in perfect timing last time? Nope. I have zero patience, in fact maybe that’s the lesson I am being taught. But it’s in recognizing, knowing that well…maybe I’m not broken. Maybe my body was designed exactly how it was, in this unique way because of the plan that my life has because of circumstances that we will face, that we do face because of opportunities we will be given.
I was created this way for a very special reason, I’m not broken. In fact, God knew exactly what he was doing when he made me. I might not fully understand it, but it’s about putting my trust in him and believing in my body. In fact, that’s been one of the hardest parts about this entire infertility journey I’ve been on. The entire concept of just loving my body, of accepting it, of believing that I’m not flawed, but rather unique and special because it was created the way it is for a purpose and a plan.
So rather than talking negatively, focusing on the things I think my body does wrong, I’ll focus on trusting, growing and waiting to find out why. Which is equally painful in itself, but one step at a time, one step at a time…and right now, that step is loving me and all that my body does for me.
Lauren says
This had me in tears. My story is very different, but 1000% relatable. The emotions the same, the loss a little different. My body failed me and will continue to fail me. You are so strong. Blake is pure joy. And Gods timing is perfect. Even if we don’t like it.
Jess Oakes says
It’s so true and you’re in my thoughts and prayers! <3 Thank you for your sweet words.
Heather says
Ok I have to say I hate that saying too! God knows it’s all on his timing. Even though I know it’s true. You are just who God created you to be. You are the right mommy for sweet red headed little Blake. God will give you the desires of your heart. Maybe not in the box you want, but he will! Hugs. My oldest two are four years apart and it’s great!! Hugs
Jess Oakes says
Thank you!! <333
Shannon barnett says
One step at a time…such good advice. I feel like I know your heart… I struggled having a second child…I would ask myself why was it so hard for me to get pregnant and then stay pregnant…infertility and 4 miscarriages later…I still do not know the answer. I felt guilty in a way about wanting the second one so badly…maybe I should be more grateful for the one I have, maybe I am meant to foster a baby or adopt a baby. I got to where I did not even want to tell family or friends about my journey for fear they would just tell me to be grateful for what I did have not what I didn’t…but…I really wanted another baby!! I am a labor and delivery RN. I see all walks of life have babies. Some days I struggled when I saw people in difficult situations having a baby. Why would God give them a baby?…they are not ready or able to care for that baby like I could. Then I realized that the minute I thought I knew more than He did…I had lost my mind! I am not here to judge or be jealous if others…I was there to give my patients a safe delivery and allow them to know just how special the experience could be. I feel you and I get it…I was able to get my second baby but
The road was bumpy. I finally gave into the idea that I was no longer in control and I needed to trust His plans fit me…whatever they were. If I was meant to have a second, I would…if I wasn’t…I would be ok. Please know I will pray for you to have a peaceful heart…if a baby comes…that would be wonderful…but a peaceful heart…either way is my prayer for you.
Jess Oakes says
My heart feels for you and I am so sorry. I am so glad you have your angel babies! Thank you for your sweet words.
Bibi says
My sweet friend! You are definetly not broken! We’re only social media friends but, when my kids are being a f*** wreck LOL watching your stories always makes me laugh. Your laugh and joy you have with motherhood is beautiful! You are beautiful. Far from broken. Sending baby dust your way ???? XO- Bibi @mbgblog
Jess Oakes says
You’re the sweetest, thank you!!!
Kenzi says
so i came on your site to see where you get your overalls and ended up reading all your infertility posts instead haha… i went through infertility issues too. it sucks. i was diagnosed with PCOS and went through different amounts of fermara, progesterone, clomid, the works…upping doses for a year. nothing. still didnt even ovulate. i felt the need to get a different doctors opinion. at my first apt with the new doctor she told me she thought i was wrongfully diagnosed and didnt have PCOS but something else. she sent me immediately for an MRI and was right, i have a pituitary adenoma (a non cancerous tumor on my pituitary gland that causes me to produce excess progesterone and symptoms very similar to PCOS). she gave me the medication for that and i was pregnant two months later. when i was ready to try again i started that medication and was pregnant 4 months later. i dont know if that story will help you in any way, but just felt like i should share it with you. but mainly, infertility sucks no matter what, and it is so hard to keep your head up and keep going, but so worth it as you know. you got this!
E says
Please google Creighton Model and NaPro technology (this is not a paid advertisement, ha!). I have been recently diagnoseded with PCOS and have found a lot of hope with a local Dr who uses NaPro methods! Additionally, there are only about 20 Dr’s in the US that do successful, modern ovarian wedge resection surgery (not the old version but a newer, less invasive version)) and it is 90% successful in getting PCOS patients to ovulate normally! And it helps with hormone problems too. I am charting with Creighton and getting ready to attempt my first round of Letrozole first, but I’m looking forward to the day when I do get the potentially curative surgery. Wishing you much peace on your journey!
Sara says
Hi! I’m Sara @SassySaraSmile. A devoted fan of yours!
I must tell you that what you wrote is Incredibly relatable!
I didn’t go through what you have- my story is difficult- but I’ve had the same feelings. I’ve been ‘sick’ since I was born & by the time I was 18, I was skilled at Getting myself to the ER. By 25 I had Cancer & was told I’d NEVER have children, even if I were to survive. That’s a lot of negative energy in that one powerful statement. I fell into a funk & wondered why I was still here AT ALL. My friend said, “Because God is NOT done w/you yet.” I didn’t know if that was a threat or a promise ????????… I met my hubby going through the tail end of all the chemo after the open chest surgery to remove the softball sized tumor (another story for another time) But let’s just say I was NOT LOOKING to meet a guy at that time! We met 05/05/05 (yes, I’m older than dirt ????) He saw me, not an illness (again another story) my body began to go into remission ????????But with it brought host of new medical issues including 2 DVT’s & 7 PE’s. We had close friends who went through several rounds of IV & finally they had a baby girl. I saw what she went through. I wanted a child, but my husband didn’t want me to put my body through even more. As I had traveled for 5 years after college until the Cancer. So, we decided & came to terms that it would be ‘just us’ and our furry kids. This was after trying to adopt & being told “NO because you have chronic Illnesses” Having said ALL of that – fast forward to 2015. I had made my peace w/everything- or so I thought. We got pregnant. We were so overjoyed & I realized I still wanted a child. Then, I had a miscarriage. It was painful & joyous as we now knew I COULDA get pregnant, but the dr.’s all said- ‘Sara YOU won’t survive a pregnancy.’ Got pregnant again & it was ectopic & had surgery as I bargain to hemorrhage. On November 4th we celebrated 10 years of marriage. By the time Thanksgiving came around, I know I felt different (sometimes it sucks to be so in tune w/your own body) I pleaded w/my hubby Jason to go get 10 pregnancy tests. I was pregnant. I took ALL the tests till it felt as though the tests were yelling back “You’re Pregnant lady! Happy Thanksgiving!” I don’t know why, but I knew this baby was gonna make it- even if I didn’t & I was ok with that. Thankfully, high risk pregnancy that it was, Milana-Raven was born on July 12th at 8:06am. All I can think is that it happened as it was meant too & now our daughter just turned ONE. I’m so sorry that comment got so long & because a Novella!! ???????? On a separate note ????:My website is being redone but my old one is still up, if you’d like to look. Sassysarasmile.com I also must say I adore your sarcasm, especially as I survive off of mine as food!! I have felt broken. Sometimes I still do & it’s an icky feeling. I feel like I’m not doing enough, but I try my best. As I see it, we are a community- and I am hear if you ever need an ear ????.
✌️????Sara
Andrea Darst says
Sending love and lots of hugs your way!
Robyn says
Love this! I had a miscarriage a few months back and it was so hard to hear what some people would say. Like, “at you least you know you can get pregnant” or “you must just need some more time as a couple”. Its so frustrating! Just taking small steps each day is what works. Thanks for sharing!
Lauren says
I wanted to add to my comment, that after my 4th miscarriage my best friend told me “it’s all in Gods timing, have faith in that,” and it took everything in me not to punch her in the face. I know she was genuine, and didn’t know what to say, but that was not what I wanted to hear. So if you feel like punching someone in the face, I think the feeling is normal. Just don’t, you know, actually do it. ????
Sydney Horton says
Hi, Jess!
It broke my heart reading this. It’s never fun to see someone as beautiful and incredible as you suffer. I wish I could say something that could make you feel better, but I know there is nothing anyone can say or do that could make you feel any better, especially a stranger. So I’ll just compliment you and hope it makes you feel a bit better if only for a second.
I love your honesty. I think you’re hilarious. I love how you share such personal things and are so vulnerable. You have the best style. Blake is the cutest little girl EVER! And I am so glad a found you and can follow along with your story.
I will keep you in my prayers. I hope the universe gets its ish together and sends you the sweet baby you more than deserve.
Rachael says
I know the feeling I had the same problem as you bi everything else seemed normal (hormones). I did ivf, then lost my son at 2 days old. After that fertility treatments failed, we had a failed surrogacy, and were ready to adopt when I became pregnant naturally with my little miracle who is almost 2. We are trying for another baby now and having issues again. I am praying to be blessed one more time. Hang in there and keep pushing through, it may not go as planned but it will happen,
Brooke says
Wow. So beautiful. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us. Cling to His promises and His glory will be revealed through you. Praying for peace in your heart while you walk this journey.
Jess Oakes says
Thank you!
Edem says
Hi Jessy.First time to see your site.Sometimes we wish for things and God says “wait” and still stubborn enough to say “I want it now”.I’m not referring to you.Its me.I want to have a lot of children and I keep telling everybody I will but God’s telling me take time.I did not.After my third child, my hormones is a wreck.I’ve got hormonal imbalance comparable to that of a person going through a menopause.I used to have everything-panic attacks,hot flushes,insomnia..you name it ive got it.Im not scaring anybody or pushing my experience down somebody’s throat.I just want people to be aware that there is indeed a time for everything.Our body is so incredible,it could do a lot of things but it also needs time to repair.You will soon hold that precious one that your heart so desire.Just wait.Give time.Everthing on its own season.My prayers with you ❤