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The other day I was driving home and honestly, just feeling all the feels – you know, one of those drives where you just feel like life is too fast, things are unfair and you just want normal. But like Harley Quinn said it best on Suicide Squad 😉 “Normal is just a setting on the dryer”. There are things everyday that I really struggle with, we all have our own things and well, that’s our “normal” if you will. There’s really no such thing as normal or “perfect”, let’s just put that out there right now. BUT I feel like these drives, these moments, when these do happen I don’t really let myself live in them.
Something I’ve struggled with, a little more than normal, the last few weeks has been our infertility. Like I’ve said before, it comes in waves, there are moments of me being totally fine and content with our little life and then there are moments where I just long for a tiny baby, a little sibling for Blake and well, that’s been lately. Another thing I’ve struggled with is feeling overwhelmed and being okay with well, FEELING, asking for help. All of these things kind of go hand in hand and there’s a reason I’m sharing any of this, I hope. 😉 One, because the more I talked with friends about things and just how I was feeling – the more I realized that oh, these feelings, these “hard moments” they’re normal. Not normal in the sense that we think of the word normal, but normal in the sense that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US have them. We all have moments, months, days, weeks, whatever of just hard, of weakness, where honestly, we just feel like things suck.
The problem is, I don’t think we, well at least I don’t, take the time to actually feel things. I wrote Blake this letter when I was pregnant with her, “6 Things I want my Daughter to Know” (you can see it, here) and in this letter was my NUMBER ONE thing that I wrote was how badly I wanted her to just feel things. In fact my exact words were this:
“Feel, I want you to know how important it is to feel each emotion you have. Don’t push them down, hide them or be ashamed of them. If you’re happy, be happy–share it with the world. If you’re sad, cry, cry it out because sometimes tears are just necessary. When you get angry, know that it’s okay to be angry, you can feel upset. Feel each emotion and experience it, then get ready to face the next joy or challenge in your life. Life is beautiful and short and each and every experience and emotion you have makes you stronger.”
And here I am almost four years later after writing that and I haven’t even taken my own advice. SO my point of it all, of this entire rambling is that it’s okay to have feelings. I think as women, as Mothers, as powerhouses we think that we have to put a front on, we forget about our mental health and we think that we have to power through everything with a happy face on like we see on social media all day long. Well, that’s so far from the truth. We don’t have to do any of that, in fact I’ll tell you what, these last few weeks of straight migraines, as frustrated as I was and as thin as my patience was in moments, I think it was good for Blake to see. She saw a normal human being who was really struggling, who said guess what today sucks, not only do I have a migraine that has been here for weeks straight, but you just asked me four times if I could please have a baby for you and honestly, my heart is broken. This is me right now, but gosh dang I will push through and I love you more than words can even freaking express.
We don’t have to put a front on, in fact we are human to feel overwhelmed, sick, tired, just pissed, whatever feeling it is – it’s fine. You’re fine, you feel those feelings. SO now, now I work on taking my own advice from years ago and I work on showing my sweet girl that it’s a-okay to feel and that feelings, if normal is even a thing, are normal.